Shared Experiences Make Us Feel Seen | Disabled Friendships

Back in school, my idea of friendship was determined by the support and assistance I received. I needed help with almost everything - taking out things from my bag, transferring into my wheelchair, or even grabbing a plate of chhole kulche from the school canteen. So, anyone who helped me with these activities became my friend. Or so I thought. Because that's how it is supposed to be, isn't it?

Everyday during the lunch break, we were asked to vacate the classroom. But I was spared as the fifteen minute-lunch break would be entirely consumed by my transferring into my wheelchair. I was allowed to stay back along with a friend. So, when my classmates fought to accompany me in class, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world because someone finally wanted to be with me.

But soon, they started staying because there were assignments to complete. It was no longer that they wanted my company during lunch. It took me years to realize that friendship isn’t measured by proximity. Sometimes the people who understand you more live hundreds of kilometers away.

They are my pocket friends.

Offline spaces are largely inaccessible - parks, malls, cafes - all are laden with barriers. But guess what is barrier-free for me? Instagram! Whether you want to rant about your partner who left you on delivered for 45 hours or call out the restaurant who wrongly claimed to be accessible with 'just a step', they are the ones I go to.

Because even though we've not met even once,  it seems that we have known each other for years. We might be in different parts of the world, divided by borders, we're united by the universal experience of discrimination and ableism, and that is why these friendships, I feel, run thicker than many ascribed ones.

And that's exactly how Hasitha and I met. On Instagram. United by our experiences of being barred entry at the Birla temple - I, in Jaipur, and she, in Hyderabad. We connected, shared our ordeals, and somewhere in between texts and taps, found a sense of belonging.

Maybe not everyone walks in the same shoes. Sometimes, those of us in the same chairs find our way to each other.

Making friends and doing small talk was easy for me. I guess it’s my personality, but I love to talk. Disability doesn’t change one’s’ personality you know. We moved way too many places over the years and I made friends everywhere.

I used to live in a dorm/hostel when I was in college, and I think that’s where my love for talking actually began. I had amazing roommates and I was the only girl in a wheelchair. It was definitely hard, physically, and I learned a little too much while I was there but, I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world! I’m just glad my parents gained the courage to leave me in a dorm/hostel!

Living in a hostel gave me things I probably wouldn’t have gained elsewhere: independence, responsibility, and great friends. Some friends were temporary, but some are lifelong. Some would help me to look good in front of others while others genuinely cared. Some added drama to my life while some brought peace back into it. India is largely inaccessible and some used it as an excuse to not invite me. But others gave me their hand and helped me in. Sometimes I feel that because I need help so much, it’s become an easy way to break the ice and talk to new people. It also tells you, very quickly, who your true friends are!

I'm so grateful to have friends from all walks of life. They helped me experience the ‘normal’ things that a kid would do at that age. But, the thing is I’m not just normal and I needed to acknowledge that. I used to have all these experiences with my disability, but I literally talked to no one about it. I just felt like no one around me really understood what I was going through because they weren't living with it themselves. But all my friends back then were kids too, so it was probably unfair of me to expect them to understand something they had never experienced (Kind of like how a guy can never truly understand how painful a period cramp feels)

Kavya was the friend I didn’t know I needed. It was so easy to talk about my disability and all the things I was dealing because she can relate to it too. We connected in ways that a deep conversation could never do. We made disability jokes that would normally make others uncomfortable and laughed our heads off. Our experiences and challenge, together, felt very valid and recognized!

After meeting Kavya, I’ve realized that no one is alone in anything. There will always be someone out there who goes through something similar, no matter how rare! We just need to find them. And once we do, things feel a little less isolating and more normal because we finally feel seen/understood.

Kavya and I met online, and I guess you can call me old school because I never thought I could deeply connect with someone I never met. But I did. Like Kavya said, we found our way to each other, and I hope we can find our way in India too 🤩